Rebel, ‘Cause It’s Worth It.

I don’t believe in conforming to the social norms. We all have a right to be independent and have the freedom of expression and opinion. I can be different if I want, and no one can try and change me.

I can’t wait for the day when I’ll be packing my bags and heading for college. Some might say I’ll regret these feelings later, I won’t. And I’m sure about it as well. I strive for freedom. Even though we are independent citizens, I can feel the binding chains around me. There’s no one who understands me, and it’s giving me such a tough time. As if the move to a new place wasn’t enough, things keep twisting themselves in one way or the other.

I’m a depressed person. Even though I’m tough on the outside and don’t sulk in front of people, I feel like shit inside. I used to be an outgoing, lovable and enthusiastic person. There were so many things I loved to do, so many hobbies I used to possess. Now, I just feel like shutting myself from the world. I prefer being alone and thinking to myself rather than engaging in a coversation.

My parents don’t understand me. It’s not the typical ‘teenage’ drama but it’s true. I require help and need their support through this pain. When I sulk or feel empty it’s their duty to help me get past it, not shout at me for being a loner. And I’m not pretending or trying to grab attention. I’m not trying to be someone I’m now–it’s just a situation because believe me, being depressed is not cool.

My mother tends to compare my behavior with the behavior and personality she used to possess when she was my age. I’m different and I’ll be different forever. You can’t MAKE me be another person just because you feel it’s not how you used to be. Times are changing and people are too. Everyone has the right to live their own lives. Television does not affect my personality or opinion. It’s just that you’re incapable of thinking outside the box.

Loving my older brother more than me doesn’t make me feel better. And denying it makes it even more so. I know how much you care about him and want to turn me into an exact replica if you could. It’s just no use trying to cover it up. I can see right through it. Even though you give me everything I need, you love him more and will continue to do so. Also, reminding me of your sacrifices and ‘good deeds’ each and everyday is not correct. You drive me to school and piano lessons, but you don’t have to rub it in each time. I get the fact that you’re the perfect person and even though it hurts you whenever I tell you the truth, you are at times unfair.

Shouting at me, misunderstanding me, not taking my depression seriously is not alright with me. Trying to dig deeper into my personal life and actions is not cool. And just because of these things, I can’t wait to move out and be free. Whatever that means.

 

 

I Need HELP.

I don’t know what to believe in anymore. All the things I’ve ever known are nothing but lies. There’s no one I can trust in this world. There’s nothing to left to be said, and there’s nothing left to be heard.

No one understands me.

The fact that depression keeps overpowering me doesn’t affect me at all. What hurts me is knowing that the people I used to care about lied to me, and didn’t even think about what I would feel like. There are so many things wrong in my life and still…

My Grandmother, the person who I care about most in this world, is dead. I sacrificed my birthplace to move into the city so that my Dad could find new meaning to his life–start over with his work and find something new. I hate my new school. I hate my Grandparents (paternal) who have made every single memory of my childhood rot like hell. And I also hate my brother for being such a jerk.

I can’t breathe–I need help.

Can You Keep A Secret?

We all have secrets. From the moment we wake up to the moment we go to bed, there’s always a tension in the back of our minds–”Can You Keep A Secret?”

No we can’t.

We can never keep a secret. No matter how good we are lies we eventually spill the secret some way or the other. We write it in our diaries, tell it to our pets, tell it to the trees, shout it in the park, trace the words on skin. Even the thought of spilling it affects our brain like a virus. We feel so insecure and vulnerable when there’s a secret. Now comes the important question: WHY?

We’re afraid for no reason. A secret isn’t something as terrible as poison. It’s just something we know that others don’t. It’s like knowing an answer and writing it in a test while others don’t. It’s not a sin. It’s just a privilege. We know something THEY DON’T.

Don’t be afraid because it’s nothing to be afraid of. And for those who don’t believe in keeping something hidden for too long but don’t want to spill either:

1. Keep repeating the secret to yourself. Eventually it’s gonna feel like the truth and you won’t have to worry.

2. Don’t hint about the secret and avoid topics related to it.

3. Pretend as if there’s nothing special about it. That way you don’t have to make a big deal out of it and go on with your day as normal as possible.

4. Best friends shouldn’t always be trusted.

5. “I told my Mom about it.” Never do that. Moms talk to other moms and eventually they’re gonna spill it out somehow.

6. BE NORMAL. It’s not a secret. It’s a privilege. You have the power to know something and it’s not wrong at all.

These steps are sure to help. And even if you find yourself in a twist:

1. Write it down on toilet paper and flush it. That way you’ll flush it out of your mind too.

But remember, the key to keeping a secret is believing in yourself. There’s nothing wrong in keeping secrets. It’s like a message. You want to share it or you don’t want to share it.

Tips To Remember:

1. Don’t keep secrets about being pregnant or being ill. It’s gonna affect you terribly in the long run.

2. Secrets don’t mean lying to people. It’s about choosing not to share. Never lie to people who trust you and care about you.

3. Live your life with freedom. NEVER WORRY.

Valentine’s Day SUCKS–But It Doesn’t Have To.

Let me make this clear–I’m not gonna wish you ‘Happy Valentine’s Day’ because it would COMPLETELY ruin the whole point of writing a blog against it. It’s like this whole ritual to celebrate Valentine’s Day like it’s Christmas or something. It’s always uncool to wish someone unless he/she is for keeps. As a child I used to wish my parents every year and it never occurred to me that it was not just something you gotta say to people. It’s about saying it to your special someone or your sweetheart or darling or…whatever.

OK, I gotta be honest I’m kinda jealous of those ‘lucky’ girls out there who have someone to say it to. It’s not surprising I don’t have a special someone but it never got me, you know? Even girls who don’t have boyfriends still have crushes. I don’t have that either. Why, I may ask?Why don’t I have someone to love or even have butterflies for? It’s so weird when you’re waiting for love and there’s no sign of it at all. None. Zero. Zilch.

But it’s fine with me now. I can’t be happier about Valentine’s Day pissing me off because I’ve already given my heart to someone.  He’s the  missing piece to my heart. I know he’s somewhere out there looking for me and wondering the same thing–When will we meet? Or it’s just me wondering because normally I don’t see guys wondering stuff like this. But wouldn’t it be wonderful to get a glimpse of him? Just once. If not in reality, then perhaps a dream?

Where are you, my Prince Charming? Alright that was weird. I know, I know. I’ve watched too many Rom-com movies with chocolate ice cream and it’s started to affect me.

But it’d be nice to have butterflies once in a while.

P.S. For all those lovey dovey couples kissing in parks–YOU SHOW OFF WAY TOO MUCH.

A Valentine for Someone I Hate

A Valentine for Someone I Hate.

Down With TIETZE’S SYNDROME.

I woke up one morning and found it to be calm and peaceful. There was music in the air–Windsor Airlift. It made me feel good about myself. This was something I was going to have to live with–not forever, but at least for a few weeks or so. Birds flew in the sky, never knowing when the sun would go down and it would be dark again but they felt peaceful. It was like heaven.

It was two weeks ago that I complained of a chest pain. No one paid much attention and even I took it light, until the night I woke up feeling breathless. I was taken to a hospital and underwent an ECG, a chest x-ray and even a blood test. It wasn’t a heart attack, but it was Tietze’s Syndrome. No one in my family had ever heard of the disease and were worried that I would have to bear so much pain. The Doc told me to take Ibuprofen eight hourly, but it’s gonna be a while. It’s starting to be OK now–not the breathlessness, though. I still feel weak and woozy, as if I’m on crack.

There was enough will power in my Mother to try to guide me through this.

For all those suffering from Tietze’s Syndrome: It’s going to be fine. No one will ever understand the pain unless they’ve been through it. Do what I do, turn up the speakers and listen to Rock music.

 

Top Reasons As To “Why I’m Not Looking Forward To 2012″

Christmas didn’t totally ‘SUCK’ this year. We ate Chinese, I got new clothes and money, and even though I didn’t want to include this–I got coupons for Domino’s Pizza. You might be wondering who gave me the coupons.. (Even though you’re not wondering I’m gonna write it anyway) ..it was the Pizza Delivery Guy! Okay, that was a bad suspense joke which didn’t have either of those things.

I have this habit of keeping three slices to eat two days later. There’s no particular reason to this silliness other than the cheese gets REALLY stretchy. OK, enough creeping you out, let’s get to the New Year 2012. I’m not looking forward to it (Duh!) because of a few remarkable reasons.

1. I can’t stay up late–not because of a curfew–because it so happens that New Year’s Eve is the day I go to bed early. It’s happened every year and it will happen this year too…unless, I decide to turn things around.

2. Weren’t we supposed to die in 2012?

3. Another year of high school…this nightmare just keeps on going, doesn’t it?

4. Actually beginning my fitness regime.

5. Getting used to my futuristic powers. YES, I really do have such powers.

I’m gonna have to come up with more. I guess it’s just a matter of time till I figure out all then points. Wait around for more points to add up.

One Trust, Please.

If someone told me that my mother’s brain has been swapped with a teenager parenting guide, I’d believe them. I mean, why can’t parents be like in TV shows? They’re much cooler parents AND don’t yell at you for not wanting to talk for a while.

So, what happened was that I was surfing the internet checking out what Rom-com movies I wanna watch and my mom comes in and tells me that I shut off a browser when she entered and wanted to know what I was viewing. Would it hurt people to believe you when you’re saying the truth? I wasn’t ‘viewing’ anything that’s not supposed to be viewed I mean is viewing Wikipedia a crime? It’s certainly not in my book. Then later she goes on and on about how teenagers are curious about things and I decided to turn on the music instead of being a part of the conversation which was leading to the ‘puberty talk’.

And guess what? You’ll never believe the idiocy of the fact that she barges into my room when I’m writing my diary. I mean, how lame is that?? Would it kill parents to trust their kids? I guess I’d better go now. It’s kinda weird sharing parent stuff with people online. Actually, it’s not, because I’m just an angry teen.

Tips for Parents:

1. When kids say, “I’m fine,” it means they’re FINE. Don’t make a double meaning out of everything, Sherlock Domes.

2. Stop reading my diary, Mom.

3.  Kids don’t enjoy listening to how ‘perfect’ you were in high school. We all know it sucked.

4. And enough with the false support. WE know we’re freaks.

Faith.

I can’t help but think about a few things that have worried me to my core. I’m afraid when people expect things from me. It’s not a valid reason for depression but I  just can’t help but wonder about the future–most people do.

I wish to stop and just LIVE. To ‘stop’  doesn’t mean to commit suicide and leave all the dreams, wishes and people behind. It means to live a moment free of worries, a moment without fear of the outcome.

Math used to  be one of my best subjects. Even Physics too. But now both have them are in the back burner. For how long I do not know. Not too long, I suppose, but things just aren’t the same. Ever since I messed up in both of these tests I have a fear towards them. In them I view my worst enemies. Parents will never understand this. They’re not ‘philosophical’ as I recall. And I’m just not comfortable in sharing these thoughts with them. These painful thoughts of the future hurt me. I don’t know how things are going to turn out for me, I don’t know if I’m doing the right things. I want things to turn out nicely, for a change. I need help and trust.

  I just wanna take a deep breath and let it all go. After that I’ll be free again. I’ll love Math and Physics again. I’ll overcome all my fears and be the one looked up to. That’s a dream I’m willing to carry out.

Even though I have no plans for the future, I’m sure the roads will build up behind me, following me. I’ll look up at the stars again, and with the love I have I’ll be ready to give again. I’ll kiss the skies with faith.

Unwritten

Sometimes I can’t help but just smile. Isn’t it weird? For me it isn’t. I’m used to all the weird things in life except for the one big thing called ‘LOVE’. Even though, love has its various forms, the one and only person with whom I want to spend my life with is 2,000 light years away. I don’t want to spoil the surprise God has kept in for me. But I guess I would love to move solo in life. No family to get tagged down with, and no one to go home to–Just wandering around the streets in December all alone.

For me it’s the end.

A broken heart has way too many pieces to be fixed back to what it was. And my heart is just one of those hearts who just don’t know what they want until it’s gone. It’s not a story of a boy meets girl but just meeting him was magical. The way he stares when he gets the notion that he knows me, and the times that I mess up in my own silly ways. We might as well be strangers while coloring each others’ worlds. I guess magic has its own place inside our hearts and in our books, it surely isn’t in life even though how hard I might try to convince myself. I’ll meet my prince on the other side of the world…when I’m ready to share my heart with someone other than me.

‘Til then I guess it’s just me.

The story of my life is unwritten. And I still don’t know what to do about it, and how to make the most of it. But I suppose everyone wonders how to make the best of it. This is the best of me. And this is what I’ll ever be–A misguided ghost.